I love being Christian. I love believing in a Truth that provides me with a comfort, a love, a peace of mind that I know many in this world don't have. While I can't believe that I'm saying this out loud... There are moments I wish I weren't.
I wish I weren't so sure of myself,I wish I weren't so sure of who I'm called to be.
I wish I didn't believe in something so pure and true because I know I'll never live up to it.
It would be so much easier to not have to worry or even care what the world thinks of me.
I wish I could just get tested for some disease I probably don't have and live in this world that excused bad behavior with medical prescriptions.
The thing is... As much I wish this sometimes, to have the easy way out... to give justification for my bad behavior and irresponsibility...
I know I'm better than that.
I was created to be better than that.
And right now, while I wallow a bit in self pity and doubt , I still smile because I know I have a tomorrow. I know I have hope because I know I have a God who loves me enough to let me post my fears and doubts on the internet, where hate and the ability to twist words into propaganda exists.
So in all honesty, it may be easier for me to not have God and gain the temporary relief but sometimes you ride out the pain and fear and doubt till that brighter tomorrow.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
What matters to you... must matter to me
I find that my relationships with people have strained a bit because of the lack of conversation. We talk but nothing really gets said. I wonder who really is to blame because of it. I guess I am because if I notice it as a problem then I should be the one to fix it.
And yet it's pretty difficult to arrive to this place in a non awkward manner. Because at this point outside of
Me- Look... I get that it's my fault but I really don't know you.
other: what do you mean?
Me- You tell me the latest celebrity gossip.. you email me random crap that you think I would like... occasionally we talk about the weather but what is that?
Other: um... a friendship?
Me- okay... do you know about the weight struggle I've had for years? Do you know that I find more about you through facebook than actual conversation?
other- First off... I've tried to talk about the weight thing it's you that doesn't make it my fault and Second what's with the tude about facebook? It's not like I'm keeping secrets or anything.
Ne- There is no hostility. I just wanted to... It's just...
And so the conversation will fade as it inevitably does and the relationship will follow.
[sigh]
So how do you foster a relationship in an internet age where there is almost this underlining theory that if it's on facebook it's all good? What do you do?
And yet it's pretty difficult to arrive to this place in a non awkward manner. Because at this point outside of
Me- Look... I get that it's my fault but I really don't know you.
other: what do you mean?
Me- You tell me the latest celebrity gossip.. you email me random crap that you think I would like... occasionally we talk about the weather but what is that?
Other: um... a friendship?
Me- okay... do you know about the weight struggle I've had for years? Do you know that I find more about you through facebook than actual conversation?
other- First off... I've tried to talk about the weight thing it's you that doesn't make it my fault and Second what's with the tude about facebook? It's not like I'm keeping secrets or anything.
Ne- There is no hostility. I just wanted to... It's just...
And so the conversation will fade as it inevitably does and the relationship will follow.
[sigh]
So how do you foster a relationship in an internet age where there is almost this underlining theory that if it's on facebook it's all good? What do you do?
Monday, September 13, 2010
Holy freakin crap
I decided to take physics this semester because in all truth I wanted it out of the way. But I see now that this little mole hill I thought I was going to hop over is actually a pretty freakin big mountain. I'm terrfied. All the knowledge I amassed about physics and trig have slipped and I'm reading it all now and I cannot lie its terrfing me. I don't want to go to recitation tommorow without having done any homework... But Idon't know where to begin!!!! AHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I can do this. No... Better answer... God has a plan for me and I don't think failing physics is a part of it. I just have to work hard and trust that God will dust off the ancient knowledge thats buried somewhere back there and I will be able to get through this.
well... atleast I'm having my meltdown now and not in october. I freak out now and overwork myself now and the rest of the semester will be marvelous.
So here's to you God... the inventor of physics.
You freak us out with laws that make the world go round.
I can do this. No... Better answer... God has a plan for me and I don't think failing physics is a part of it. I just have to work hard and trust that God will dust off the ancient knowledge thats buried somewhere back there and I will be able to get through this.
well... atleast I'm having my meltdown now and not in october. I freak out now and overwork myself now and the rest of the semester will be marvelous.
So here's to you God... the inventor of physics.
You freak us out with laws that make the world go round.
Monday, August 23, 2010
It does exist!
In any school, one of the first things you are taught is not to plagiarize. Having seen how serious it is I've known that it must exist. Oh who am I kidding? I'll admit it, as a kid I downloaded an encyclopedia Britannica article and turned it in. ( ironically I only got an A- on it.) So yes I am guilty of plagiarism. Technically I've probably plagiarized more than that because of faulty citing but that's beside the point. What is my point?
Let me start this again. I know that plagiarism exists. I know that there are websites that sell professional papers. I know that there are those that literally copy and paste words that are not their own and try to pass it off as their own.
While I don't agree or condone it, I get it. Kids get lazy or pressured or whatever and as a last resort get a smart sounding source from elsewhere to do the thinking for them.
What I didn't think possible was someone plagiarizing my own words and them blatantly passing it off as their own. This past summer I've been taking this English class and as it is an online course our grade comes from discussion board posts of our thoughts and insights. On one such post This is what I wrote
TOPIC Heading : SLIPPERINESS OF TRUTH
My Post
(Jul 29, 2010 10:05 AM)
In the History of Love there are many instances that the truth is challenged. As it is a metaficitonal book I found it interesting to see that this was true for the characters within the book but also for us as Readers.
As readers we where led to believe that Bruno was real, that Zvi Litvinof wrote "The History of Love" and that ambiguos ending has left us wondering if there is truth in Leo's death or if there's truth in Leo's rejuvinated life.
As characters in this story there are also many instances where the truth is not as it seems to be. Rosa discovered that Zvi didn't write the book and instead of making a big show of knowing she chose to cover it up by destroying the original manuscript. Alma writing those letters to Jacob Marcus as her mother, her journey to find the author and being secretive about it. Bird discovering her notes and essentially sets up the meeting, Alma (the original not the teen) keeping Leo a secret. Leo making a fool of himself just to get noticed. These are but a few examples where the truth is stretched within the pages of this book.
Here's what I wonder how should I look at the moments in the novel when the truth is staunchly kept. I think the one example that comes to mind is when Zvi is retranscribing the book, he has the chance to change the name to Rosa but still keeps it Alma. There is a reason Nicole Kraus must have made Zvi do that as a character. I just wonder how it fits within this category of the slipperiness of truth.
**** I added the time stamp because a couple of hours later this post came on the board
Topic Heading: Exploring the slipperiness of truth
Shady Plagiarizer(Jul 30, 2010 4:45 PM)
One aspect of postmodernism that is reflected in The History of Love is the slipperiness of the truth. Both the characters in the novel and the readers reading the novel are exposed to some false or misleading information. When thinking about the type of novel this is I come to realize that it is a metafictional novel; that is because the reader discovers what is false within the novel.
The readers were introduced to Bruno who is really a made up character in Leo’s head. He is presented as an old friend of Leo which he reunites with after Leo’s cousin dies. Throughout the novel the reader discovers that he is not a real character. This is a way of Leo coping with his loneliness and stresses in his life.
Another aspect of the novel where the truth is twisted is with Alma and her brother Bird. Since Bird doesn’t remember his father but Alma was old enough and does she tells her brother her memories. Some of the things that she tells Bird are not true as well. Also Vzi who supposedly wrote the book turns out to be false as well.
Reading the book and thinking back to all the aspects of truth being twisted and false I begin to think about what else could be false. Since Leo was someone dealing with hallucinations I can’t help to think what other aspects in his life might be made up.
*** The Funniest thing is that before this person posted their thoughts they responded to mine!
Re: Slipperiness of Truth
Shady Plagiarizer (Jul 30, 2010 1:19 PM)
Anne,
I think you did a great job explaining how slipperiness of Truth is represented within the novel. You provided tons of evidence from the novel. Bruno being a figure of Leo's imagination is one of the greatest evidences in the novel about the slipperiness of truth. I also agree that due to all the aspects of the novel leading us to wonder about the truth of Leo's death and his life. I think that the novel being a reflection of slipperiness of truth relates to real life because everyone has secretes and bends the truth to benefit themselves or others. Just like Leo created Bruno to help him cope with his losses, many people use the same method in their life to help them cope with their life. You brought up great points that helped me think about the novel in a different light and understand how the novel relates to reality.
-Shady Plagiarizer-
I was very confused by this turn of events. Could that person not see that the posts where time stamped? I understand if there where only minutes in time difference because thats just a clear indication of the fact that we really had the same ideas and it was just coincidence that the turn of phrase was so close. But seriously???
And then there was the flattery I couldn't help but feeling. Was I that clever that I would get plagiarized? Nahhhh
I was shocked, annoyed and well yeah, bothered. So heres to you past Anne, don't ever plagiarize because it does actually exist and it will come and get ya, especially if you want to go into this writing field.
Till the next interesting thought, revelation or just random nonsense
Anne
Let me start this again. I know that plagiarism exists. I know that there are websites that sell professional papers. I know that there are those that literally copy and paste words that are not their own and try to pass it off as their own.
While I don't agree or condone it, I get it. Kids get lazy or pressured or whatever and as a last resort get a smart sounding source from elsewhere to do the thinking for them.
What I didn't think possible was someone plagiarizing my own words and them blatantly passing it off as their own. This past summer I've been taking this English class and as it is an online course our grade comes from discussion board posts of our thoughts and insights. On one such post This is what I wrote
TOPIC Heading : SLIPPERINESS OF TRUTH
My Post
(Jul 29, 2010 10:05 AM)
In the History of Love there are many instances that the truth is challenged. As it is a metaficitonal book I found it interesting to see that this was true for the characters within the book but also for us as Readers.
As readers we where led to believe that Bruno was real, that Zvi Litvinof wrote "The History of Love" and that ambiguos ending has left us wondering if there is truth in Leo's death or if there's truth in Leo's rejuvinated life.
As characters in this story there are also many instances where the truth is not as it seems to be. Rosa discovered that Zvi didn't write the book and instead of making a big show of knowing she chose to cover it up by destroying the original manuscript. Alma writing those letters to Jacob Marcus as her mother, her journey to find the author and being secretive about it. Bird discovering her notes and essentially sets up the meeting, Alma (the original not the teen) keeping Leo a secret. Leo making a fool of himself just to get noticed. These are but a few examples where the truth is stretched within the pages of this book.
Here's what I wonder how should I look at the moments in the novel when the truth is staunchly kept. I think the one example that comes to mind is when Zvi is retranscribing the book, he has the chance to change the name to Rosa but still keeps it Alma. There is a reason Nicole Kraus must have made Zvi do that as a character. I just wonder how it fits within this category of the slipperiness of truth.
**** I added the time stamp because a couple of hours later this post came on the board
Topic Heading: Exploring the slipperiness of truth
Shady Plagiarizer(Jul 30, 2010 4:45 PM)
One aspect of postmodernism that is reflected in The History of Love is the slipperiness of the truth. Both the characters in the novel and the readers reading the novel are exposed to some false or misleading information. When thinking about the type of novel this is I come to realize that it is a metafictional novel; that is because the reader discovers what is false within the novel.
The readers were introduced to Bruno who is really a made up character in Leo’s head. He is presented as an old friend of Leo which he reunites with after Leo’s cousin dies. Throughout the novel the reader discovers that he is not a real character. This is a way of Leo coping with his loneliness and stresses in his life.
Another aspect of the novel where the truth is twisted is with Alma and her brother Bird. Since Bird doesn’t remember his father but Alma was old enough and does she tells her brother her memories. Some of the things that she tells Bird are not true as well. Also Vzi who supposedly wrote the book turns out to be false as well.
Reading the book and thinking back to all the aspects of truth being twisted and false I begin to think about what else could be false. Since Leo was someone dealing with hallucinations I can’t help to think what other aspects in his life might be made up.
*** The Funniest thing is that before this person posted their thoughts they responded to mine!
Re: Slipperiness of Truth
Shady Plagiarizer (Jul 30, 2010 1:19 PM)
Anne,
I think you did a great job explaining how slipperiness of Truth is represented within the novel. You provided tons of evidence from the novel. Bruno being a figure of Leo's imagination is one of the greatest evidences in the novel about the slipperiness of truth. I also agree that due to all the aspects of the novel leading us to wonder about the truth of Leo's death and his life. I think that the novel being a reflection of slipperiness of truth relates to real life because everyone has secretes and bends the truth to benefit themselves or others. Just like Leo created Bruno to help him cope with his losses, many people use the same method in their life to help them cope with their life. You brought up great points that helped me think about the novel in a different light and understand how the novel relates to reality.
-Shady Plagiarizer-
I was very confused by this turn of events. Could that person not see that the posts where time stamped? I understand if there where only minutes in time difference because thats just a clear indication of the fact that we really had the same ideas and it was just coincidence that the turn of phrase was so close. But seriously???
And then there was the flattery I couldn't help but feeling. Was I that clever that I would get plagiarized? Nahhhh
I was shocked, annoyed and well yeah, bothered. So heres to you past Anne, don't ever plagiarize because it does actually exist and it will come and get ya, especially if you want to go into this writing field.
Till the next interesting thought, revelation or just random nonsense
Anne
Drama!
I didn't think I had it in me. Honestly, I've had my fair share of overly dramatic reactions. Some of these moments where justified and some honestly weren't. How could an overly dramatic reaction ever be justified? Nevertheless, sometimes the dramatic is called for. I preface this entry with this long disclaimer because this morning, I did something so over the top, so dramatic that shocked me just a little.
I've been going through something and today was just the final straw. It was issue that I've been praying about, that I've been patient about and it was just literally the final straw. I was ready to give in and surrender. But there was another wall that I ran into. It was as if I'm running toward the finish line head held high and someone just dropped a big ol wall from the sky.
I tried to hold it in, I tried to keep my cool but it was as if all that pent up emotion from the past 2 months just spilled out. I ran to my room, literally dropped my head into the sheets and began to sob. Not the lady like sobs but those crazy 5 year old tantrum sobs. It literally was as if in that walk down the hall I de-aged 20 years. And then, like a tantrum, it was over. I regained my composure and all was well with the world.
Now that may not seem that dramatic but seriously I've never been one to be so stinking over the top. Luckily, it all worked out and I can breathe again.
I've been going through something and today was just the final straw. It was issue that I've been praying about, that I've been patient about and it was just literally the final straw. I was ready to give in and surrender. But there was another wall that I ran into. It was as if I'm running toward the finish line head held high and someone just dropped a big ol wall from the sky.
I tried to hold it in, I tried to keep my cool but it was as if all that pent up emotion from the past 2 months just spilled out. I ran to my room, literally dropped my head into the sheets and began to sob. Not the lady like sobs but those crazy 5 year old tantrum sobs. It literally was as if in that walk down the hall I de-aged 20 years. And then, like a tantrum, it was over. I regained my composure and all was well with the world.
Now that may not seem that dramatic but seriously I've never been one to be so stinking over the top. Luckily, it all worked out and I can breathe again.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Crap...
I hate being blocked. Technically its writer's block because I don't know what to write about but its not necessarily writer's block because I'm writing right now. I feel like I had a point. hmmm... maybe I never did. ehhh Whatever. Posterity and all. record all the thoughts of my head. ummm
FREE!!!!
Am I really?
I talk about,
I act like it
and yet...
I feel oppressed,
repressed;
pushed down by my own concerns,
fears and doubts
stuck to be the person
the one who is "free"
(Quotations are a must).
I'm tired of the lie
the one I tell myself
but it keeps me going
so I tell myself all over again
I am "free"!
I look forward to that day
When I can be really free.
When that day comes
For I know it will come,
I'll smile and know
The lie was worth it,
at least for me.
I talk about,
I act like it
and yet...
I feel oppressed,
repressed;
pushed down by my own concerns,
fears and doubts
stuck to be the person
the one who is "free"
(Quotations are a must).
I'm tired of the lie
the one I tell myself
but it keeps me going
so I tell myself all over again
I am "free"!
I look forward to that day
When I can be really free.
When that day comes
For I know it will come,
I'll smile and know
The lie was worth it,
at least for me.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)