P2P

In all honesty...

2010-11-03T16:30:00.000-07:00

I love being Christian. I love believing in a Truth that provides me with a comfort, a love, a peace of mind that I know many in this world don't have. While I can't believe that I'm saying this out loud... There are moments I wish I weren't.

I wish I weren't so sure of myself,I wish I weren't so sure of who I'm called to be.

I wish I didn't believe in something so pure and true because I know I'll never live up to it.

It would be so much easier to not have to worry or even care what the world thinks of me.

I wish I could just get tested for some disease I probably don't have and live in this world that excused bad behavior with medical prescriptions.

The thing is... As much I wish this sometimes, to have the easy way out... to give justification for my bad behavior and irresponsibility...

I know I'm better than that.
I was created to be better than that.
And right now, while I wallow a bit in self pity and doubt , I still smile because I know I have a tomorrow. I know I have hope because I know I have a God who loves me enough to let me post my fears and doubts on the internet, where hate and the ability to twist words into propaganda exists.

So in all honesty, it may be easier for me to not have God and gain the temporary relief but sometimes you ride out the pain and fear and doubt till that brighter tomorrow.

What matters to you... must matter to me

2010-10-27T13:51:00.000-07:00

I find that my relationships with people have strained a bit because of the lack of conversation. We talk but nothing really gets said. I wonder who really is to blame because of it. I guess I am because if I notice it as a problem then I should be the one to fix it.

And yet it's pretty difficult to arrive to this place in a non awkward manner. Because at this point outside of

Me- Look... I get that it's my fault but I really don't know you.
other: what do you mean?
Me- You tell me the latest celebrity gossip.. you email me random crap that you think I would like... occasionally we talk about the weather but what is that?
Other: um... a friendship?
Me- okay... do you know about the weight struggle I've had for years? Do you know that I find more about you through facebook than actual conversation?
other- First off... I've tried to talk about the weight thing it's you that doesn't make it my fault and Second what's with the tude about facebook? It's not like I'm keeping secrets or anything.
Ne- There is no hostility. I just wanted to... It's just...

And so the conversation will fade as it inevitably does and the relationship will follow.

[sigh]

So how do you foster a relationship in an internet age where there is almost this underlining theory that if it's on facebook it's all good? What do you do?

Holy freakin crap

2010-09-13T16:30:00.000-07:00

I decided to take physics this semester because in all truth I wanted it out of the way. But I see now that this little mole hill I thought I was going to hop over is actually a pretty freakin big mountain. I'm terrfied. All the knowledge I amassed about physics and trig have slipped and I'm reading it all now and I cannot lie its terrfing me. I don't want to go to recitation tommorow without having done any homework... But Idon't know where to begin!!!! AHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I can do this. No... Better answer... God has a plan for me and I don't think failing physics is a part of it. I just have to work hard and trust that God will dust off the ancient knowledge thats buried somewhere back there and I will be able to get through this.

well... atleast I'm having my meltdown now and not in october. I freak out now and overwork myself now and the rest of the semester will be marvelous.

So here's to you God... the inventor of physics.

You freak us out with laws that make the world go round.

It does exist!

2010-08-23T15:56:00.000-07:00

In any school, one of the first things you are taught is not to plagiarize. Having seen how serious it is I've known that it must exist. Oh who am I kidding? I'll admit it, as a kid I downloaded an encyclopedia Britannica article and turned it in. ( ironically I only got an A- on it.) So yes I am guilty of plagiarism. Technically I've probably plagiarized more than that because of faulty citing but that's beside the point. What is my point?

Let me start this again. I know that plagiarism exists. I know that there are websites that sell professional papers. I know that there are those that literally copy and paste words that are not their own and try to pass it off as their own.

While I don't agree or condone it, I get it. Kids get lazy or pressured or whatever and as a last resort get a smart sounding source from elsewhere to do the thinking for them.

What I didn't think possible was someone plagiarizing my own words and them blatantly passing it off as their own. This past summer I've been taking this English class and as it is an online course our grade comes from discussion board posts of our thoughts and insights. On one such post This is what I wrote

TOPIC Heading : SLIPPERINESS OF TRUTH
My Post
(Jul 29, 2010 10:05 AM)
In the History of Love there are many instances that the truth is challenged. As it is a metaficitonal book I found it interesting to see that this was true for the characters within the book but also for us as Readers.

As readers we where led to believe that Bruno was real, that Zvi Litvinof wrote "The History of Love" and that ambiguos ending has left us wondering if there is truth in Leo's death or if there's truth in Leo's rejuvinated life.

As characters in this story there are also many instances where the truth is not as it seems to be. Rosa discovered that Zvi didn't write the book and instead of making a big show of knowing she chose to cover it up by destroying the original manuscript. Alma writing those letters to Jacob Marcus as her mother, her journey to find the author and being secretive about it. Bird discovering her notes and essentially sets up the meeting, Alma (the original not the teen) keeping Leo a secret. Leo making a fool of himself just to get noticed. These are but a few examples where the truth is stretched within the pages of this book.

Here's what I wonder how should I look at the moments in the novel when the truth is staunchly kept. I think the one example that comes to mind is when Zvi is retranscribing the book, he has the chance to change the name to Rosa but still keeps it Alma. There is a reason Nicole Kraus must have made Zvi do that as a character. I just wonder how it fits within this category of the slipperiness of truth.

**** I added the time stamp because a couple of hours later this post came on the board

Topic Heading: Exploring the slipperiness of truth
Shady Plagiarizer(Jul 30, 2010 4:45 PM)
One aspect of postmodernism that is reflected in The History of Love is the slipperiness of the truth. Both the characters in the novel and the readers reading the novel are exposed to some false or misleading information. When thinking about the type of novel this is I come to realize that it is a metafictional novel; that is because the reader discovers what is false within the novel.
The readers were introduced to Bruno who is really a made up character in Leo’s head. He is presented as an old friend of Leo which he reunites with after Leo’s cousin dies. Throughout the novel the reader discovers that he is not a real character. This is a way of Leo coping with his loneliness and stresses in his life.
Another aspect of the novel where the truth is twisted is with Alma and her brother Bird. Since Bird doesn’t remember his father but Alma was old enough and does she tells her brother her memories. Some of the things that she tells Bird are not true as well. Also Vzi who supposedly wrote the book turns out to be false as well.
Reading the book and thinking back to all the aspects of truth being twisted and false I begin to think about what else could be false. Since Leo was someone dealing with hallucinations I can’t help to think what other aspects in his life might be made up.

*** The Funniest thing is that before this person posted their thoughts they responded to mine!

Re: Slipperiness of Truth
Shady Plagiarizer (Jul 30, 2010 1:19 PM)
Anne,
I think you did a great job explaining how slipperiness of Truth is represented within the novel. You provided tons of evidence from the novel. Bruno being a figure of Leo's imagination is one of the greatest evidences in the novel about the slipperiness of truth. I also agree that due to all the aspects of the novel leading us to wonder about the truth of Leo's death and his life. I think that the novel being a reflection of slipperiness of truth relates to real life because everyone has secretes and bends the truth to benefit themselves or others. Just like Leo created Bruno to help him cope with his losses, many people use the same method in their life to help them cope with their life. You brought up great points that helped me think about the novel in a different light and understand how the novel relates to reality.
-Shady Plagiarizer-

I was very confused by this turn of events. Could that person not see that the posts where time stamped? I understand if there where only minutes in time difference because thats just a clear indication of the fact that we really had the same ideas and it was just coincidence that the turn of phrase was so close. But seriously???
And then there was the flattery I couldn't help but feeling. Was I that clever that I would get plagiarized? Nahhhh

I was shocked, annoyed and well yeah, bothered. So heres to you past Anne, don't ever plagiarize because it does actually exist and it will come and get ya, especially if you want to go into this writing field.

Till the next interesting thought, revelation or just random nonsense

Anne

Drama!

2010-08-23T12:56:00.000-07:00

I didn't think I had it in me. Honestly, I've had my fair share of overly dramatic reactions. Some of these moments where justified and some honestly weren't. How could an overly dramatic reaction ever be justified? Nevertheless, sometimes the dramatic is called for. I preface this entry with this long disclaimer because this morning, I did something so over the top, so dramatic that shocked me just a little.

I've been going through something and today was just the final straw. It was issue that I've been praying about, that I've been patient about and it was just literally the final straw. I was ready to give in and surrender. But there was another wall that I ran into. It was as if I'm running toward the finish line head held high and someone just dropped a big ol wall from the sky.

I tried to hold it in, I tried to keep my cool but it was as if all that pent up emotion from the past 2 months just spilled out. I ran to my room, literally dropped my head into the sheets and began to sob. Not the lady like sobs but those crazy 5 year old tantrum sobs. It literally was as if in that walk down the hall I de-aged 20 years. And then, like a tantrum, it was over. I regained my composure and all was well with the world.

Now that may not seem that dramatic but seriously I've never been one to be so stinking over the top. Luckily, it all worked out and I can breathe again.

Crap...

2010-08-16T17:31:00.001-07:00

I hate being blocked. Technically its writer's block because I don't know what to write about but its not necessarily writer's block because I'm writing right now. I feel like I had a point. hmmm... maybe I never did. ehhh Whatever. Posterity and all. record all the thoughts of my head. ummm

FREE!!!!

2010-08-16T17:24:00.000-07:00

Am I really?
I talk about,
I act like it
and yet...
I feel oppressed,
repressed;
pushed down by my own concerns,
fears and doubts
stuck to be the person
the one who is "free"
(Quotations are a must).
I'm tired of the lie
the one I tell myself
but it keeps me going
so I tell myself all over again
I am "free"!

I look forward to that day
When I can be really free.
When that day comes
For I know it will come,
I'll smile and know
The lie was worth it,
at least for me.

13 @ 25.

2010-07-28T14:24:00.000-07:00

I looked at myself in the mirror today. Dressed in bright orangey pink shorts and a graphic Alice in Wonderland t-shirt, I was instantly de-aged about 12 years. It was all unintentionally of course but it got me thinking about where I am in life. My mother called me the other day to reassure me that I could still meet a man in school. My dad still treats me like a kid, giving me that sage advice that I've heard before and my younger sister likes to pick fistfights with me. AND yet... I still feel fully 25. I'm rather fascinated by the juxtaposition of the two ages in my life.

On the one hand I love cartoons/comics... on the other I love classical literature
On the one hand I'm a fan of punk and music that is featured on Disney channel... on the other I get headaches if the music is too loud.

SO what does that mean for a girl like me?
Will i Forever be in tune with the youthfulness of me?
ORRR Will I just be one of those embarassing people that just doesn't know to grow up?

THe world may never know.

Being 5 all over again.

2010-07-20T19:33:00.000-07:00

Today I got an email where my teacher asked to meet with me. I had been asking her a lot of questions and I think to be fair it might have been a little annoying. Nevertheless, it is her job to answer them and I had every right. So why do I feel so nervous? In fact, she should apologize to me because she thought I had ADD.
But to the point at hand. I'm old enough to see that she probably just wants to answer my questions in person because emails can be read wrong.

And yet....

I feel like a kid who just got sent to the principals office. I know that this makes me incredibly childish and yet I can't help it.

I think blogging about this taps into that hope that I'm not alone when I share this to the www.

Ah... so much for a journey to a stronger more empowered woman... I cower when a person with authority asks to see me.

Maybe I'll out grow it. (pfhhheorhjosfhn hahahahahahaha) who'm I kidding? There'll always be a small wuss that lives in me.

It should be a sad realization but I watched the funniest episode of The Batman: brave and the Bold. If I can willingly tap into my inner child to appreciate campy cartoons, I should have known the little insecure girl might pop up every now and again.)

Unofficial Power

2010-07-17T23:48:00.000-07:00

I've come to terms with the fact that a lot of things stink in the world. Well, I may be one chick but I'm going to do something about it. What good it does is not my area. Techinically it's not going to do much good because in the anynomyous world of the internet, I'm just a small voice and as loud as I can yell, well, it'll be kind of hard to be heard. So no worrying will go to that. I just know that if I don't do something to make a difference, I'll probably go nuts. So for the next few weeks I'm going to change a couple of things in the little alternate reality that I house in my head.

Starting with...

1. The Last Airbender- in my world, this movie doesn't suck. I'll rewrite a script that is a lot better than M. Night's POC script.

So even though no one will read it, I will make a new script. Just in case this gets flagged by some weird internet police... It's just for my own amusment, no copyright infringment intended... I fully credit michael Dean Martino and oooh The other guy... I think his name is Bryan something for their amazing story.

Till page 1, good morning!

The pain of hypocrisy part 2

2010-07-07T16:01:00.000-07:00

http://www.cinematical.com/2010/07/07/one-man-five-years-countless-reviews-all-plagiarized/#comments

I wrote a blog earlier about pain I felt with my own hypocrisy. Nothing life altering but it was definitely one of those moments where I said to myself "it's only me huh?"

Then I read this article. I honestly don't know what to say about it. I'm betting you he's the guy probably was well educated, and if thats the case probably had tons of teachers telling him that plagarizim was bad and he probably believed it himself until he got caught up in it.

Its just a saddd world.

The Hungry Angry Baby

2010-06-02T15:02:00.000-07:00

Today I Discovered the hideous truth about myself... I am host to a hungry angry baby... A baby that yells and cries when I don't satisfy it with every disgusting food I can think of... Yes, the Hungry Angry Baby reared its ugly head today. It literally cried and whined till I ate. I mean all my life this baby has lived inside me and for the most part its been happy just living as a itty bitty 10 pound thing. But then it wasn't happy and it ballooned. Now this Hungry Angry Toddler, weighing 60 odd pounds is driving me insane. I want it gone!

it's times like this that makes me want Doctor Who type logic to actually exist. How awesome would it be to have a weight loss program where the fat literally walks away? I mean seriously... its a little weird to think about but to give birth to 60 little alien fat babies... whats the harm?

Where to blog?

2010-06-01T12:57:00.001-07:00

I have two active blogs in which I write my angry thoughts... So which thought do I write where? No one's reading either. So where to post what thought.

Well I know something that belongs here.

I recently saw a documentary about sex. I mean it was like a how to manual on various sexual positions. Here's where I'm totally uncomfortable with the documentary. I get that it was "artful", I get that it was just a step by step how to and a listing of pros and cons. It's intention as a documentary was not the same as a pronographic movie. AND yet here i sit uncomfortable at the fact that I really wasn't bothered by it. well... I was and I wasn't. It's weird. I have never had sex so I am not familiar with the ins and outs of how to do something or why something is done and I'm sure I'll ask my husband if/when that day comes but I'm watching this and wondering whats the point? How many different ways is there to plug in the light socket? Apperantly there are over thousands of ways. WElll... No siree... No thank you. I'll be the prude in the corner.

Wow... Now that i've actually written it I don't know if I actually want to post it.

The pain of hypocrisy

2010-05-19T15:22:00.000-07:00

I am overweight. Not obese but overweight. Its kinda been this weird obvious secret I've been showing the world but not talking about. Recently I made fun of my sister, who has also been going through the same weight issues as I.

Sis: I can still fit into a small you know
Me: Yeah at Lane Bryant.

I was being incredibly bitchy that day and have since profusely apologized for my comments. She forgave me that day but today she got me back.

Sis: OMG we're going to have to go to the ER.
Me: Why?!?
Sis: Your baby's due isn't it?

Sure it was a lame reference to the enormity of my gut and I know she just meant it in jest, in contrast to mine which was a mean retort.

And yet... I'm wallowing right now.

I know that both of us being fat gives both of us the right to roast each other with zings and snaps but for some reason that one hurt. I mean it wasn't all that clever to begin with and it was a two line put down and if I want to think about all the cleverer comments I made I know I totally rule but somehow I'm totally bugged.

I guess thats the pain of hypocrisy. Until I know how to take little jibes like that I shouldn't doll them out myself.

on a slightly more morbid note a portion of a conversation I overheard between mother and son

Mother: stop that! you're okay.
Son: (shakes his head)
Mother: YOU walked into my hand
Son: (starts to tear up)
Mother: I told you I was going to open the door

and then the rest trailed off... Like the security of my computer... It trailed off. Luckily I have an identity no one would want to steal.

Emma Hollis, friend and foe but not frenemy cause thats just lame.

2010-05-09T15:57:00.000-07:00

Hello fellow nobodies! My name is Emma. I reside peacefully in the consiousness of Ms. Anne Choi. Yes, I am calling her out to be a bit of a loony with an imaginary friend but I thought the world should meet me. I am the voice inside her head, the person she tells her stories to and the person most critical of her when she fails to write shit out.
I recently had an interesting conversation with Anne about the merits of having an imaginary friend at her age. She felt ashamed that she had no one real to hash things out with and in a lot of ways I did feel for her. She has isolated herself and theres noone left but me.

But the truth that she often forgets is that she is better off then most of you saps. She is atleast admitting her vices and is accepting of the fact that she does talk to herself.

Everyone has that little voice inside of them and much like the movie Drop Dead Fred, they all spak the same language.

So whats my point? Sometimes it will be Anne, sometimes it will be me. Either way, nothing is off topic and it will be a free for all of furious keyboard banging.

Defining myself

2010-05-09T15:52:00.001-07:00

I have often considered myself a storyteller. My life was filled with adventures and I knew that of all the people in my family, I had a particular knack for the inventive so I sought to prove it. I found a passion in writing because in its difficulty I found an ease with it. I could elaborate as much as I wanted and I didn't necessarily have to have an audience. But over the years I found it incredibly challnging to be a writer. I loved to write, I loved to tell stories and yet th process of writitng it down was a discipline I had yet to master.

I still haven't mastered it but I have renwed my commtiment to writing, even if it means a blog noone will read. I have thoughts that are often super crammed in there and it is a bit of a relief to have a proper outlet.

Onwards

Hating this Guilt: What does it mean to Evangelize?

2009-12-14T19:52:00.000-08:00

I am a Christian. I believe that Jesus died for my sins and now I will be able to go to Heaven. I am convicted by the truth that this is good news and I should share this with the world. I am also convicted to live every day like Jesus did while he lived on Earth.

These are a few of the convictions I have as a person. I cannot deny this about myself. You ask me" what do you believe in?" and most likely my answer will be somewhere along the lines of what I spouted bout two seconds ago. All that being said... I will admit I haven't been good about sharing the good news to people. It isn't that I don't want to or I am ashamed of what I believe in, I guess there's part of me that's scared. I could care less of the thoughts of others, but I do care about God. I am a strong Christian in the sense that my faith in Him will never waiver, BUT I will be honest in saying that I am not a strong Christian when it comes to studying the Bible and immersing myself daily in all the goodness of the history that God laid down before me.

Here is where the conflict kicks in... I am unsure if I am ready to be responsible for this but at the same time I know I have to do it. I need to work on my faith and convictions before I can honestly go out in the world and share the gospel with the confidence that the good news deserves. It took me awhile but I am finally taking myself on the right path.

WHY THE HECK THEN IS THERE SO MUCH PRESSURE? Twice this week, I have felt a guilty twinge and then plain anger because of this issue. I do concede to the fact that as Christians we do have a responsibility to live and share the goodness of God. BUTTT... Does it mean I have to send the email chain letter? Does it mean I have to go up to strangers in the busiest shopping season and pretty much intrude on presonal space? Some will say yeah. The gospel is offensive and I should be prepared to take the spitting and the swearing and the rejection. Well... I say nay. There are those out there that are meant to be that way... bold and conquering persecution and then there are those like me.

I believe that I will share the gospel in a powerful bold voice. I know that it'll come. But come on people! I'm a bit of a wimp! Let me work out my issues. When I share his word in that way I'll be effective.

So stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not a lost cause! I do hold true to my responsibility and will proceed in the sphere of influence God has called me to be a missionary.

SIGH

Dear reader, ( as I'm pretty sure the one person who stumbled upon this dusty old blog is quite astute in finding random stuff online)

You are a very smart person. You know that in this world there are many out there who'll try to preach to you and tell you things that won't seem genuine. I am sincere in saying this, believing in God and Jesus is a wonderful thing. It doesn't entail being perfect or doing all these rituals all it takes is faith.

If you want to know what I mean feel free to email me.
choi.annej@gmail.com

From Penises to Politics

2009-05-04T05:54:00.000-07:00

The world is full of wonderful things to talk about. I for one want to discuss them all in detail. But to do this I have to

a. have a family who wants to talk about anything and everything... but I don't

b. I have to live somewhere interesting where I want to talk about all these things with people who will provide interesting conversation... but there aren't! (Ironically I am currently part of a Big Ten community. )

So What does a girl do? Blog! Woohoo!

Here it is random folks of the internet seeking the perspective of a thinker. A person who asks questions that some people might know the answer to or might not. who cares? its worth discussing.

BIG question 2
Why from Penises to politics? Well in a good conversation our natural train of thought can take us through twenty topics that can range from contreversial to goofy to weird, I had the fortune of being in such a lively conversation where topics ranged from girls comparing the penis sizes of their boyfriends with their fingers and the politics of a nation that never seems to fully satisfied to have freedom that most other nations don't

there it is

Random conversation

Me to the world. what shall we talk about next?